What I Would Say to Friends and Family of New Moms
Here’s what I would say to the friends and family of every new mom I see in the hospital if I could. I’m Dr. Wagner, a pediatrician and mom of three kids. I work mostly taking care of newborns in the hospital. First of all, congratulations – there is no greater joy than a new baby in your family or community. This mom has just performed a real life miracle of growing a baby then gone through the physically traumatic and exhausting experience of delivering that baby and taking care of a newborn. She deserves to rest and to have her needs met in every way possible by those who love her as she does the more important and extremely difficult work of healing from birth and pregnancy, and taking care of her new baby. You ask nothing of her and give her everything she wants.
Here are some great, helpful things to say to the new mom:
I’m so proud of you.
You’re such a wonderful mom already.
You look like you are doing such a great job.
I love you so much.
You’ve been through a lot for this baby.
You look so happy.
This baby is so lucky to have an incredible mom like you.
Here are some things NOT to say:
ANYTHING about mom’s body or weight, even if to you they sound like a compliment (including, “Wow! It looks like you have lost all the weight already” or “The extra curves look good on you,” just don’t say anything.)
You look tired. How is the baby sleeping? (Poorly)
Looks like you haven’t had much time to do dishes. (Wrong for many reasons - first of all, rude comment, but more importantly, but if you are looking at a new parent’s dishes in the sink and not doing them, there is something wrong with you.)
When can I see the baby? (I don’t care how close you are to the parents, I don’t care if you’re grandparents or aunts and uncles, it is the parents’ decision and parents’ decision only when they want to introduce the baby to other friends and family members. Please do not pressure new parents into letting you see their baby until they are ready.)
Here are some other helpful things to say and do:
I’m going to drop off dinner from your favorite spot on Tuesday. I will plan to order your usual favorite meal, but if you are in the mood for something different, please let me know. I’ll leave it on your front porch. What time would you like me to drop it off?
I’m at the grocery store and I’m going to pick up some eggs, milk and fresh fruit to leave on your porch, please let me know if I can grab anything else for you while I’m out. I’ll text when I’ve dropped it off.
I’d like to come by to take your older kids to the children’s museum and out to lunch on Saturday sometime if that works for you. I can pick them up and drop them off. What time should I come get them?
If the new parents are ready for you to meet the baby, they will respond, “Don’t leave it on the porch!! We want to come in.” If you don’t get that answer but really must ask when you can see the baby, maybe you say, “We would love to meet the baby, but we don’t want to intrude before you are ready, and we want to do what works best for you. Whenever you want us to meet your baby, we will be there. No rush.”
If there is any chance you could be sick, you wait until you are absolutely completely better before you get near that baby. When you do get to meet that baby, wash your hands for two minutes as soon as you get inside, and wear a mask or have one with you that you offer to put on the second you walk in. (I don’t care if you didn’t believe in masks for COVID – you carry different infections than the family in that house, and newborns are at risk of severe infection from even common bugs, and have to be hospitalized for any fever, so if you have the privilege of meeting a newborn, the least you can do is not to put that sweet baby at any additional risk.
Finally, if any of this new mom’s decisions about her baby make you angry, PLEASE don’t make it about you. Please don’t add to her huge load of stress and hormones and emotions by mixing your unresolved emotions into it. Go to therapy, go for a run, find a way to not make it about you. She doesn’t need that. She needs your unconditional love and support, to know you’re there for her and her baby no matter what decisions she makes.
